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Home arrow News arrow Journal arrow 6/22/2006, Day 7 Journal: Ground Zero
6/22/2006, Day 7 Journal: Ground Zero PDF Print E-mail
Written by Remi Frazier   
Friday, 23 June 2006
 Didn't mean to go there.  Not yet.

Part of me feels like it's still too soon.  Five years on, it's still too soon.  Maybe it'll always be too soon.

I took the wrong train tonight, took the wrong train too far in the wrong direction and was completely lost, no idea where I was.  And so I got off and went up above ground to figure out where I was, my instincts telling me to look for the mountains and determine directions.  And then for some reason I was walking, slipping through alleys and streets on an irresistable course only my feet knew.  And then I saw the fence and the open space, and I realized that my instincts knew where the mountains should be.  I just didn't mean to go there.  Not yet.

The hole there, in the city, maybe in me, it's so much bigger than I thought.  It's like New York's heart was broken and just left, without comfort or deep healing.  The kind of love that leaves in a moment, but whose presence lingers far longer than it should.  I felt like I could almost make out the ghostly shapes that should have stood before me.  I felt like I could almost feel the ghostly passing of people long gone, people whose memory still lingers, people whose love remains.

There is a hole in my life, something September 11th took away.  I think about it every day still, and I don't know why.  Some small part of me thought that maybe seeing the site would help me heal, but I now know it will take more than that.  I just don't know what.

Didn't mean to go there.  Not yet. 

I was going to save it until I was more settled here, until I was ready.  I'm not even a New Yorker.  Not yet. 

But I wept anyway.


Listening to: A Philip K. Glass violin concerto.

Total times lost for no good reason: 33 (8 new, this list includes the omitted Day 6 report)
- Bad news, they don't speak English, but at least you know you're in the right general vicinity.
- Um...the station is the one you just passed.  The one marked as a subway station.  It's probably not over this bridge.  Go ahead and check it out if you like...good work.
- A W-train is not an N-train, not even when the train is moving very very fast.
- A northbound W is also not an N.
- Likewise for a southbound R.
- Or a 1.
- When giving tourists directions, either give them accurate ones or don't volunteer to walk with them.  They may only speak French, but "idiot" is the same in both languages.
- When going from Sixth Avenue to Fifth Avenue, reaching Third is a bad sign.  Didn't we go over than on Day 2?

Last Updated ( Saturday, 24 June 2006 )
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